My life is falling apart

Today my mom saw the burn marks on my wrist so now she keeps asking me questions...ok after 2 years of doing this she just noticed. And right now I feel like I have no one I can trust. I told one of my friends what I did with that guy and she's pissed at me. Now if I tell her about this she's probably going to hate me. I feel like my life is falling apart and no one is here to put it back together. :'(

I've done something bad...something really bad

Soo me and this guy have really been hitting it off only problem is that he has a girl friend. Now that doesn't seem that bad. But we've been sexting lately. NOT LIKE NUDE PICS! But just like talking dirty to each other...and I mean really dirty...only one person has witnessed it and she says she has nightmares cause she never wants see me or even hear me say what I was going to do to him. Anyway...not even this is bad. The thing I did was when I went a little too over board with this stuff. We were playing truth or dare and he dared me to call him and leave him a voice mail of me moaning...I did... -___- I'm regretting it soo much! I feel guilty cause he has a girl friend and when I feel guilty I throw up soo this isn't healthy...I need advice please help!!!

Just let me be myself

I fucking hate my family they don't support me in anything. Two of my cousins and my brother think I'm a freak but you know what I don't care call me a freak at least I'm me! Like today I said that I wanted a lip ring and they said that they would never talk to me again if I got one. Fine you know what don't talk to me! I don't give a rats ass if you talk to me. Then my mom said that there is no chance I'm getting one until I'm married and out of the house. Fuck no I'm not waiting that long. I don't understand it. It just doesn't make since to me. Please tell me why my family is like this. I just want to be me and have things that make ME happy. I feel like I'm alone in this family. No one relates to me and my taste. I guess I am a freak to this family. But at least I'm me to myself.

Life, you've been going so good don't fall apart now.

I don't know what to do right now. I don't know where things are going with me and Logan. I want him with me right now. Im scared. I want to cry. Mommy doesn't feel well. She went to the hospital. She says it's nothing major but I know shes lying just so I wont over racked. I want someone to hold on to right now. Two of my best friends just left today for a band field trip. So I don't have them around to talk to. I do have Rowan to talk to still. But I just want a guy to be here for me right now. I'm feeling this sadness take over my heart right now and I dont like it. I want my mom to tell me what's wrong. I wan her to get better. I don't want to lose her. She's lik one of my best friends. I love her. T-T don't leave me.

I'm sorry it's so long. I just gotta get rid off some anger emotions

I know I haven’t been on in a while…really haven’t had anything to talk about :/ but after today I do. So I think I mentioned my anger issue. Well today I was about to lose it and I actually had to walk away from the bitch just because I knew if I was there for like another second she would be on the ground. Ok I’ll tell you the back ground story and my point of view so you can see where I’m coming from. Imma just call this girl Bitch cause I don’t have a fake name for her and that pretty much describes her.

Ok so this was like either last week or the week before:

We were at our last tennis game and we were just sitting around wile a couple games were going on. So Bitch brings up a family matter of a good friend of mine (actually one of my best friends)**Rowan**. Now I didn’t know how she found out about this family matter because only close friends knew and I knew Bitch and Rowan aren’t close friends…maybe their friends but not close friends. Anyway, I found out later how she heard about it…another girl told her (WHO WASN’T SUPPOSED TO SAY ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE) So let me get back on subject, so Bitch brought it up and I told her calmly and nicely:
Me: “umm that’s a family matter and I don’t think we should be talking about it”
Bitch: “well I heard it from ******** so I don’t really think its not a big deal”
Now other people of our tennis team are hearing this…
Another Girl: “what happened???”
Me: “no offence or anything like I would tell you but I REALLY don’t thing we should talk about it, it is a family matter”
Now the other girls under stood were I was coming from but UGH Bitch here needs to piss me off!
She told me off OVER TEXT saying things like “Why you talking trash about me. Your so full of shit…..” BLAH BLAH BLAH!
Any way I was pissed at that time but im trying to work on my anger so I let it go. It was hard for me to do it but I let it go.

Now today:

We sat at the same table as her…and since I let it go I was acting nice and everything to her like talking to her. Then she tells me she wants to talk…I knew she was going to bring it up. So I said sure and thinking we would just talk at the table but noooo she wants to talk out side the cafeteria.
Bitch: “ok what is your problem!”
Me: “what did I do!? I didn’t do shit!”
Bitch: “you are going around telling people I’m talking shit! About Rowan‘s sister”
Me: “I only told Rowan what you said at tennis! She talked to ******** about it and she told you! So only us know but you going around telling everyone!!!”
Bitch: “I never said that shit!”
Now I’m pissed….I’m pasted pissed….I just wanted to kill her!
Me: “I’M DONE I’M NOT LISTENING TO YOUR BILL SHIT ANY MORE!”
I walked away. Now be proud of me for walking away at least….cause I when I went back into the lunch room I told my friend Shawnee that I was leaving the cafeteria…she follows me. Lets put it this why I was sooooo fuckin pissed off my hand was shacking like mad! And Shawnee saw and even said “I have never seen you this pissed off before”

The point of this story…DON’T PISS ME OFF!!!!!

What I would do just to talk to you again.

I JUST CAN’T STAND THIS ANY MORE!

Ok let me get you up on why I am done with all this shit…I hooked up the kid I thought I liked (Logan) with one of my friends (Shawna). And the kid, Jayy (who I have liked for 3 years now) is just killing my heart. I would do anything just to talk to him again. I miss hanging with him. But now he’s not the same person. He’s change. When we talk (this was a while ago), like his speech was different. Like I asked “how’s life” and he was like “mad chill”. I hate when guys say “chill” it’s so stupid. You’re not cool for saying that. Then there’s the reason that he’s got new friends. Like now if I have a party it would be awkward for him cause we don’t have the same friends. He hangs with “the cool kids” a.k.a. he hangs with the pot heads. And most of all that bugs me and I still can’t figure this out, is…why do I like him? He is not my type at all but I’m still falling for him. I don’t understand it. He’s like more of the muscular type of guys and I like the skinny guys who have piercings. I like the scene type of guys and he’s the complete opposite. But I love him anyway. I hate this so much I’m done with love. I’m not going to get close to anymore guys cause I know the end of it already…I’m the one who’s just going to get hurt.

I have a feeling that everything is going to fall apart soon. I can feel it in me. I just know it…

First: Lately my family has been telling that:

1.       I wear too much makeup

2.       I wear dark clothes

3.       They don’t like how I tease my hair

Why can I just live my life?  My mom and dad are telling me that they want me to “wear less eye makeup” while my friends are telling me they like it. And I like it. Shouldn't that matter. Its what I want to do. It is my life. It is who I want to be. I don’t care if people make fun of me. I don’t care if I look like a hooker. I like the way I am and how I dress and how I wear my freaking makeup. My family doesn’t get that. So much for being a scene kid in a preppy family.

Second: Its guy drama…like it always is for me.

Soo you remember me say that I kinda had feelings for Logan… well I had my birthday party (by the way…IT WAS FREAKING AWESOME…beside this part…)and Logan ended up being the only guy. I kinda felt bad cause there were supposed to be three guys there but one’s and ass and didn’t want to come and the other had church. So anyway, Shawna was all over Logan. Let’s just say we were joking around saying that they needed to get a room. That’s kinda describes it well I guess. So the night went on I just tried to forget them and enjoy my night. I do admit it…even though I don’t want to…i did feel a little broken hearted for some reason. Like I don’t think I had major feelings for Logan but the feeling I felt did make me realized that I did care. So Logan left and I went upstairs to get some blankets for us and Shawna came with me. she tells me she used to have a little crush on him before and when she heard he was coming to the party she got excited to see him...(now she doesn’t know how I feel about him) so I just went along with it. This is why I don’t like relationships. I hate getting close to someone. Cause in the end I always get hurt and I know that’s normal but its hard for me to take that in and deal with it.

Third: Reminders. (Sorry this is so long.)

So family and I went to Monster Mini Golf today. And the whole time I was thinking about Jayy. Jayy and I used to hang there in the summer. I really do miss last summer. If I could go back in time and relive any part in my life it would be that summer………but if I could go back in change something then I would go to the summer before that and never have told Jayy that I liked him. So with him in my head the whole time I kinda wanted to leave. And when we did I felt a relief cause I just didn’t want to think about guys today. We went to Sunday’s after. Jayy lives behind Sunday’s. Just my luck, right? Oh well a got a Cotton Candy Shake out of it. I do miss Jayy though…with all my heart I miss him. I just want him in my life again.